This is what UEFA wanted.
They hoped for endless goals, twisting storylines and a sensory overload. Was the idea of playing all 18 final group-stage games in the Champions League at the same time a good one? Not sure yet, still a bit frazzled, but it can be said with some confidence that the period from the 10th minute to the 15th minute of Bayer Leverkusen versus Sparta Prague was as interesting as watching grass grow.
The Athletic has handed me the considerable challenge of watching all 18 of these matches. Why? Unclear. How? Well, we’ll be going in five minutes slots, because 5 x 18 = 90 minutes. Easy.
Sixteen games have something riding on them, three points separate third from 13th. It should be exciting at every turn, right?
Even before its inaugural last-match dance this was being dubbed “Matchday Mayhem” or, if you’re German, “XXL Spieltag”.
Is this the new deadline day? The new final day of a league season? Maybe it’s the new Eurovision… five minutes to impress the viewer as we watch the best talent Europe has to offer?
There are definitely similarities between Eurovision and the Champions League. With their camp melodrama, weird voting schemes and accusations of bias, UEFA is not for everyone, but let’s give this a go.
There’s a plan and a schedule in place. We’re hunting for goals, action, tension and drama.
We’ll start with Aston Villa versus Celtic in the hope of experiencing, through the medium of television, a crackling atmosphere and a lightning-fast start.
We’ll then watch the team with the most early goals in the group stage (Barcelona, five) followed by the leakiest defence in the opening 15 minutes of matches (Sparta Prague, six) in a bid to try to manufacture some net-busting.
Then we’ll roughly go from the least important matches to the ones where, in theory, the drama is going to be, i.e. PSG and Manchester City, matches that a whole country/nation-state will be sweating over.
Here’s the plan…
- 0-5 minutes: Aston Villa vs Celtic
- 6-10 minutes: Barcelona vs Atalanta
- 11-15 minutes: Bayer Leverkusen vs Sparta Prague
- 16-20 minutes: Young Boys vs Red Star Belgrade
- 21-25 minutes: RB Leipzig vs Sturm Graz
- 26-30 minutes: Borussia Dortmund vs Shakhtar Donetsk
- 31-35 minutes: Girona vs Arsenal
- 36-40 minutes: Bayern Munich vs Slovan Bratislava
- 41-45 minutes: Brest vs Real Madrid
- 46-50 minutes: Sporting vs Bologna
- 51-55 minutes: Red Bull Salzburg vs Atletico Madrid
- 56-60 minutes: PSV vs Liverpool
- 61-65 minutes: Dinamo Zagreb vs AC Milan
- 66-70 minutes: Inter vs Monaco
- 71-75 minutes: Juventus vs Benfica
- 76-80 minutes: Lille vs Feyenoord
- 81-85 minutes: Manchester City v Club Bruges
- 86-90 minutes: Stuttgart v Paris Saint-Germain
Then in stoppage time we’ll go freestyle and follow the drama, be that City being knocked out or Young Boys earning their first point.
Eighteen matches, 90 minutes, let’s do this. Even RB Leipzig versus Sturm Graz has got to be better than The Repair Shop, right?
GO DEEPER
Champions League Briefing: 18 matches, 64 goals, and plenty of drama
0-5 minutes: Aston Villa vs Celtic
Oh yes, here we go. It’s the battle of Britain, fireworks, fire, floodlights flashing on and off (as is the fashion), a humungous and quite terrifying tifo of Ozzy Osbourne and a first competitive meeting between two former winners of the competition.
This is proper European football and if the commentator would shut up for all of three seconds we could actually hear a bit of it.
The stuff on the pitch reflects the frenzy in the stands; high tempo, end to end, rowdy. And a goal! It’s really nicely worked between Youri Tielemens and Jacob Ramsey, with the latter crossing for Morgan Rogers to finish. There are British flags in the crowd at Villa Park for what must be the first time since 1989. Well, quite.
Wait, hang on, it’s 2-0! What a start to the night. Rogers with a legitimate thunderb*****d, although it is relegated from a goal from the gods to a slightly lucky hit by a deflection, but still. The celebrations are feral, with the pitch of the euphoric cheer so high only dogs can hear it.
Morgan Rogers scored the first-hat-trick of his senior career (Andrew Kearns – CameraSport via Getty Images)
It’s upsetting to turn this off, but the five minutes are up, Farewell Aston Villa versus Celtic, we barely knew ye!
Best thing missed elsewhere: Shenanigans at Brest with the game held up by flares and a goal from Diego Simeone’s son Giuliano for Atletico Madrid at Red Bull Salzburg.
6-10 minutes: Barcelona vs Atalanta
OK, yep, slight change of pace here. It’s sedate and quiet at the old Olympic Stadium, with plenty of empty seats and Jonathan Pearce making whimsical, dry comments.
Wojciech Szczesny takes us back a week to Lisbon by making a bad mistake, having to deliberately put the ball out for a corner because he’s being closed down from a backpass.
Barcelona try to counter from the resulting corner and Atalanta make absolutely no attempt to stop them from doing so. No tactical fouls, no taking a yellow for the team, nothing. Incidentally, the referee for this match is Michael Oliver.
Best thing missed elsewhere: PSG are ahead through Bradley Barcola at Stuttgart in one of the big games of the night.
11-15 minutes: Bayer Leverkusen vs Sparta Prague
Right the theory here was that Sparta Prague concede a lot of early goals and because Leverkusen are playing for a top-eight spot they’ll be piling the pressure on…
Well, not yet. Patrik Schick sends a header wide against his former club, but that is it. The Barcelona and Sparta Prague goal theories have been wildly misjudged.
Best thing missed elsewhere: The wee Simeone has set up Antoine Griezmann for another Atletico goal, while it is already 1-1 at Lille vs Feyenoord.
16-20 minutes: Young Boys vs Red Star Belgrade
Over the border to Switzerland and the worst team in the tournament, Young Boys. Actually, because Slovan Bratislava are losing, they’re up to 35th!
And boy are they showing us exactly why they are 35th. This is the deadest of dead rubbers between two eliminated teams who are dreadfully out of their depth at this level. The only interesting thing that happens is Red Star defender Nasser Djiga takes a cross flush in the face and falls to the floor. However, he is fine to sit up and wave to the physio to come over and treat his slightly stinging face. Give the lad a hot towel.
Young Boys midfielder Darian Males sends a header at the keeper that’s so soft and absorbent it should be used as toilet paper. And that accurately sums these five minutes up. We won’t miss you, Young Boys.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Vangelis Pavlidis has done it again for Benfica, who are winning at Juventus. PSG and Inter are both 2-0 up now.
21-25 minutes: Sturm Graz vs RB Leipzig
And we head to… another 0-0! And another dead rubber between two teams not good enough for this season’s competition. Great.
“Both coaches are trying to generate some energy from their players,” the commentator says, ominously.
Yep, we’ll leave it at that.
Best thing missed elsewhere: AC Milan are losing in Zagreb. That sounds interesting. Oh well.
26-30 minutes: Borussia Dortmund vs Shakhtar Donetsk
In Dortmund the home team are winning 1-0 and as things stand they’re up to eighth place on goal difference, not bad considering they’re lower than that in the Bundesliga (11th).
Honestly though, this is beginning to get a little weird. Another noisy crowd, another completely uneventful five-minute period of professional football.
There are barely even shots to report here, let alone goals. Is The Repair Shop still on?
Best thing missed elsewhere: Arsenal fall behind at Girona thanks to a mistake from Neto, the club’s oldest debutant at 35 years old. As things stand, Manchester City (drawing 0-0 versus Club Bruges) are heading out).
31-35 minutes: Girona vs Arsenal
Well, yep, Girona have just scored, good for them. The commentators are talking about Neto having been out of the penalty area and asking why. Sounds fun, glad to have missed it,
It appears ex-Everton and Tottenham Hotspur legend Arnaut Danjuma scored the goal, which will get sporting directors throughout the bottom half of the Premier League quivering with anticipation ahead of deadline day.
Raheem Sterling is playing, which means Arsenal mustn’t be too bothered about this one.
Best thing missed elsewhere: PSG are playing a blinder; Ousmane Dembele has scored his second and they’re 3-0 up and sailing through.
36-40 minutes: Bayern Munich vs Slovan Bratislava
Slovan have lost every match so far. Bayern are 1-0 up and currently 10th, so they’ll be seeded for the play-offs, whoop de doo.
Apparently Slovan have “dug in pretty well after a shaky start”. Bayern keep crossing the ball towards Harry Kane. That’s literally it.
Meanwhile, having missed Girona’s opener on 28 minutes, Arsenal have equalised on 38 minutes. Oh and Celtic have brought it back to 2-2. This is an extreme case of FOMO, like being at a festival stuck in a small tent watching Chas n Dave while The Strokes are headlining the main stage.
The clock has stopped working on TNT Sports. I’m moving on.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Celtic scoring two in two minutes at Villa Park.
41-45 minutes: Brest vs Real Madrid
To Guingamp and Brest vs Real Madrid, the Champions League’s David vs Golliath.
Arsenal have scored again, of course they have. There’s probably been a red card, a penalty, a referee falling over and a streaker as well.
“It’s been a good contest, just one moment of individual brilliance has split the sides,” co-commentator Alan Smith says. It’d be nice to see a moment of individual anything.
Here come Madrid, Lucas Vazquez to Jude Bellingham, who is looking for an opening just outside the box… and his pass has hit the referee. Great.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Manchester City are losing 1-0 at home to Club Bruges. It’s on.
Stoppage time: PSV v Liverpool
It’s half-time everywhere except for at PSV vs Liverpool, which is running over due to stoppages, so we’ll stick that on for a few minutes.
And hang on, we have a goal! A cross towards Pepi deflects off Conor Bradley and into the corner past Caoimhin Kelleher. This is an unexpected thriller; 3-2 to PSV. Not even a VAR check can ruin the fun.
“Guirassy scoring with what looked like his crotch is the highlight you’ve missed,” a friend messages to say. To be fair I’ve also missed 31 goals scored at other games.
GO DEEPER
Explained: How do the Champions League play-offs work?
46-50 minutes: Sporting vs Bologna
Bologna are out, a draw should be enough for Sporting but they are losing 1-0 and only in the top 24 on goal difference.
We have tension, then. If City come from behind to win, the team they lost 4-1 to a couple of months ago will be out.
However, continuing the theme of honing in on periods of five minutes where next to nothing happens, the magnificently-named Zeno Debast is down injured for Sporting and, after a fair bit of treatment, limps off.
Yep, that sure was tense.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Raphinha and Lamine Yamal combine to put Barcelona 1-0 up and top of the table.
51-55 minutes: Red Bull Salzburg vs Atletico Madrid
Red Bull Salzburg are out, Atletico need a point to confirm their top-eight spot and they’re 3-0 up. The five minutes here are dominated by English referee Anthony Taylor, who gives a couple of petty free-kicks.
Neither Simeone does anything of note. This article is cursed. Rambo III on ITV4 anyone?
Best thing missed elsewhere: Mateo Kovacic pulls City level against Club Bruges.
56-60 minutes: Juventus vs Benfica
PSV vs Liverpool kicking off later in the second half has kyboshed the original running order so we’re switching to Juventus against Benfica. Juve, disconcertingly wearing their blue away kit, are 1-0 down but hammering on the Benfica door.
Francisco Conceicao, Khephren Thuram, Kenan Yildiz and Timothy Weah are all attacking at will. Benfica look flaky.
Yildiz fires a shot that bounces into the ground and over the bar. “I’m not sure what he was trying to do there,” commentator James Fielden says. Is he talking to me directly?
Benfica are wasting time from a goal kick. And with that…
Best thing missed elsewhere: Lille are now 3-1 up against Feyenoord.
61-65 minutes: Stuttgart vs Paris Saint-Germain
Another change of plan in the running order because, well, Stuttgart and Paris Saint-Germain aren’t doing an Austria versus West Germany in 1982 and playing out the draw that would see them both through. PSG, a club of integrity who wouldn’t get involved in such shenanigans, are 4-0 up and heading into the play-offs.
Absolutely nothing of note happens. I’m starting to take this personally.
Best thing missed elsewhere: City are now winning 2-1 and Ollie Watkins is passing his Arsenal audition after putting Villa ahead against Celtic.
66-70 minutes: Inter vs Monaco
“Inter are virtually in cruise control, the only enemy is complacency,” the commentator says. Not what we want to hear. Inter are 2-0 up and Monaco are down to 10 men.
And then it happens. Henrikh Mkhitaryan picks up the ball 30 yards inside his own half and just keeps running. He’s Lothar Matthaus at the San Siro in the 1990 World Cup… a shot from outside the box… it’s saved, but there is Lautaro Martinez with the rebound to complete his hat-trick.
Inter are heading through. MARTINEZ, MARTINEZ, MARTINEZ is the roar. He orchestrates the crowd, who are jumping up and down in unison. This is great. The chaaaaampioooooons!
Best thing missed elsewhere: Ederson equalises for Atalanta at Barcelona, Watkins slips and misses a penalty for Villa.
71-75 minutes: Lille vs Feyenoord
To France! This was 12th v 11th coming into it and Lille are 3-1 up and squeaking into the top eight, a point ahead of Dortmund.
Feyenoord look despondent, they’re 17th. Lille are completely jubilant and their fans are doing the Poznan en masse. Do they call it that? Or are they doing the Manchester City?
Anyway, here’s 17-year-old French midfielder Ayyoub Bouaddi lining up a long-range shot for Lille and oh my goodness that is laughably bad, he’s completely sliced it, this kid hasn’t got a future but WAIT A MINUTE it’s fallen at the feet of Jonathan David and he’s scored! Limbs everywhere, big group hug, Lille are 4-1 up and absolutely loving it.
Ayyoub Bouaddi, right, celebrates victory like a man who definitely, honestly intended to set up Jonathan David (Rico Brouwer/Soccrates/Getty Images)
Bouaddi… did he mean it? He took a huge backswing, it’s surely an awful shot? The commentator says pass. If it is, it’s the greatest, best-disguised pass ever recorded in football history. Take a bow… addi.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Ronald Araujo has put Barca 2-1 up against Atalanta.
76-80 minutes: Dinamo Zagreb vs AC Milan
Decent game here, AC Milan are 2-1 down (and a man down) knowing a win will put them in the top eight. Dinamo are agonisingly heading out of the competition on goal difference in 25th place, because Sporting have equalised and are now ahead of them on the same points, as are Club Bruges.
Turns out losing 9-2 to Bayern Munich on matchday one was pretty costly. The deep, throaty chanting in the peculiar Maksimir Stadium, with one stand closed, is incessant.
And there’s Fabio Cannovaro barking orders from the touchline… (quick Google)… wait a minute, he’s Dinamo’s manager? Not a Milan coach? Well stone me. Missed that one.
Anyway, nothing happens (obviously) and we’re off to the Etihad to see if City can help Dinamo through.
Best thing missed elsewhere: More Lille goals in the 76th and 80th minutes. Benfica are 2-0 up at Juventus.
81-85 minutes: Manchester City vs Club Bruges
Hmm, Kevin De Bruyne is being replaced by Rico Lewis… Pep Guardiola must think this one is done. And yes, to be fair, we find a match being played at walking pace with City dominating possession, not exactly the heart-stopping, tension-filled finish we were hoping for.
The Club Bruges fans are all on their phones checking the scores, as are the staff on the bench with their laptops and iPads. But Bruges should just about be alright.
There isn’t a single shot in the five-minute period and the Etihad is about as noisy as a school of arthritic goldfish.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Just Bayern Munich going 3-1 up through Kingsley Coman.
86-90 PSV vs Liverpool
As it was the last game to kick off we’ll head back to PSV to see if Liverpool can avoid defeat.
It’s a much-changed team and someone called Amara Nallo is playing. Never heard of him, let’s go for a Google. Hang on he’s been sent off! Nallo, 18 years old, former West Ham academy. Blimey. The commentator says he only came on three minutes ago, poor lad. He sticks out a leg from a long ball over the top and takes out Johan Bakayoko, who was probably through on goal. Nallo looks absolutely distraught.
It’s all PSV, they’re winning corners and putting pressure on, heading for a seeding spot in the play-offs and loving life.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Sterling misses a penalty, Marko Tolic scores a belter at Bayern for pointless Slovan Bratislava, just their sixth goal in eight group matches.
Stoppage time
Well, there’s a disappointing lack of jeopardy with City and PSG through. Barcelona vs Atalanta is probably the best ‘live’ game left in stoppage time… it’s 2-2 and if Barca score they top the group, if Atalanta score they pip Villa to a top-eight spot.
Barca have taken Pedri, Gavi and Robert Lewandowski off but they’re making all the waves in the closing minutes. Ferran Torres hits one on the turn… Marco Carnesecchi makes a great save. Atalanta try to break, it’s a big counter, but Barca dare not foul because of Oliver. No wait, they’ve got the ball back.
Barca still press… consecutive corners, Carnesecchi is repelling them… and Raphinha sends a free kick over and that’s it! Decent game it seems, plenty of goals, that’s the group stage done.
Best thing missed elsewhere: Rogers completes his hat-trick, it’s Aston Villa 4-2 Celtic.
As for this crazy experiment, well, what have we learned? There were 64 goals on the night in 18 matches, a rate of 3.5 per game, and we stumbled across five. Yep, we’ll take that.
Conclusions? It was better than The Repair Shop. And if Bouaddi meant it, he is our new leader. Right, I’m off to read up on what actually happened.
(Top photos: Getty Images)
